


I Wanted His Poison

by rpholic



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Bondage, Dom/sub, Dubious Consent, Frerard, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Nightmares, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Drug Addiction, Self-Harm, Sexual Content, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-27
Updated: 2016-04-30
Packaged: 2018-01-17 04:55:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1374604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rpholic/pseuds/rpholic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I wanted his poison, his pills I wanted to choke on his pain just so he didn’t have to feel it. I would take anything for him I really just wanted to make him happy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Anything Just to Have You

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to be my first frerard fanfic ever, I began this in a very emotional moment and I've been inspired by many great writers here. There's no explicit stuff in it yet but there will be and when the story evolves you will see Gerard's and Frank's fears and desires as well as uncover many secrets, hope you follow along.

I snuggle into him and he groans softly in his sleep. He finally went to sleep around dawn and it’s about noon now. Very softly I peck his lips and stay still watching him breathe. I love him with all my might even if he never told me what happened or why he’d suddenly stopped talking to me and just left. He left me. But he came back and I took him back because honestly, what else could I do?  
  
“Frank?” He whispers sleepily.  
  
“Yeah...” I whisper back.  
  
“Do that again.” He mumbles.  
  
“What again baby?” I smile and wait for his answer, knowing it already but excited to hear him say it.  
  
“Kiss me like that again...” he breathes and that’s all it takes for me to comply.  
  
I peck his lips slowly several times until he grips my hair and holds me there, kissing me properly, he then pushes me back onto the bed and straddles my hips; I moan his name he smirks and pulls back stealing a small whine from me.  
  
“Nah ah Frankie…” he whispers in my ear making me shiver slightly “quiet my dear, we don’t want to wake the neighbors” I want to argue that it’s past noon and everyone except for Gerard fucking Way is awake already but I know he’s not being his normal self anymore so I just bite my tongue and nod. “I’ll fuck you now...” he states “you want that right, bitch?” My breath hitches at the derogative word but I know better than to remain quiet so I answer with a nod and a whisper of “Yes, G-… m-master please…”  
  
The first time I told him I wanted to do this kind of things with him he hesitated; he seemed apprehensive and uncomfortable about the idea of being dominant, his hands used to shake when he hit me, he always apologized in the middle of a punishment he couldn’t bear seeing me cry or tremble or bleed… He is fine with blood now and everything else, he likes to push me to the edge. I like the pain but what I enjoy the most is the aftercare. It makes it all worth it to know that at the end of the day he’ll be there for me, with me.  
  
After it’s over I pant and whimper quietly as he strokes my hair and lets me lay my head on his chest. “There, there sweetie, you were amazing” he coos softly I smile and bury my face into his neck “I love you...” I mumble against his skin hotly, earning a gentle kiss on the top of my head as he gathers me closer to him. This is all I can ever ask for; Gerard is all I’ll ever want. We lie there limbs tangled into each other’s for a long while until he moves away and off the bed to the bathroom. I watch him go and nuzzle into the pillow sniffing his scent.  
  
“Frankie…” he calls out from the bathroom. “Yes Gee?” I reply softly. “Come bathe with me and we’ll go out later…” I rush towards the bathroom and hug his waist from behind, as he is standing in front of the mirror, and smile showing approval. “I’ll take you for diner, you’d like that?” he looks at my reflection and I nod. “I’d love that.”  
  
When we are showered and dressed he kisses my cheek and holds my hand, I automatically link our fingers and close my eyes shortly focusing on the sensation of his soft lips. He’s kissing me there purposely to see if I flinch because he tied the gag around my face really tightly this time but I just hum after he breaks the contact and look into his eyes. He brushes his thumb over the now make up covered skin and sighs softly before guiding us outside, he seems tortured by something but I don’t know what happened or what I did wrong so I follow him and bite my lip anxiously.  
  
“Stop that...” he murmurs once we get in the elevator.  
  
“S-sorry…” I mumble immediately releasing my lip. The dinner goes fairly well and he makes love to me that night, out-of-role passionate, tender and actually lovingly it almost feels as if he's rewarding me. All I need is this, is him here... he knows, I know he sees it in my eyes every time he’s on top of me, when I moan his name and I know he loves me too I just need him more desperately and that’s scary.


	2. Make Me Ill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A good dom takes care of his sub, pleasures and punishes his sub when necessary, a good dom knows the limits and Gerard is the best dom anyone could ever ask for.

I’m lying on my back naked, handcuffed to the bed, blindfolded and trembling as I hear Gerard’s steps around the room.  
  
I was bitching about the hot dry summer day we were having and tried to imply to Gerard that we should shower together by running a hand up his chest and starting to unbutton his shirt. He smirked at me and I crawled on his lap grinding my hips into his, shower sex was all I had in mind but apparently he had a slightly different idea. He told me we could make this a really fun evening and brought the blindfold smirking and biting his lip as he approached me. “Aw, Gee, I dunno, it’s too hot to play around today… can’t we just…” He’d walked behind me and fastened the blindfold over my eyes then covered my mouth cutting me off.  
  
“I promise you won’t be hot when I’m done with you…” he said in my ear with and I could sense a hint of threat in his voice.  
  
“Alright…” I answered doubtfully.  
  
“Alright what?” he spat in my ear with the same tone. I just bit my lip waiting for his reaction to my lack of response. I didn’t have to wait much until he gripped my hair and spoke harshly into my ear his tone more menacing than before “I asked you a question, bitch!”  
  
I dug my nails on my palm to keep the smirk that was threating to curl my lips off my face. “a-alright master” I uttered out. I loved calling him that, and I loved him wanting me to.  
  
He ordered me to strip and wait there; I did as instructed rapidly and waited for him to say something else but when he had done whatever preparations he was making he just grabbed my arm in a rather violent manner pushing me towards the bathroom. He made me get in the tub and as soon as my foot made contact with the water I knew he’d done something to make it this cold. As I was forced to lower myself into the bath I felt small solid pieces that I registered as ice cubes, at first it was refreshing and he made me lower my head a couple times, some times more than I could go without breathing and I was sure some water went to my lungs. When I was starting to tremble he took me out and drug me to the bedroom pushing me onto the bed, causing me to drench the blankets and the mattress. He handcuffed my hands to the bedpost and even though I couldn’t see him I know he’s watching me as he paces around the room.  
  
“It’s so hot…” he declares and I hear him turn the air conditioner on and feel the bed dip as he sits beside me. “But you’re not hot anymore, are you?” he inquires.  
  
“N-No master, th-thanks t-to you.” I stutter out between chattering teeth and he places a hand on my knee.  
  
“So now you’ll be a good bitch.” He doesn’t make it sound as a question but I nod anyway. “Spread your legs.” He commands and I obey immediately, separating my legs as much as I can. I feel his hand making his way from my knee to my shaking thigh and gripping it firmly, he moves to settle between my spread legs placing his free hand on my other thigh rubbing soothingly. At this moment I’m shaking violently due to the cold air on my wet skin. “It will get a lot colder so calm down to it…” I nod and breathe deeply trying to relax. I hear a slick wet noise and I can imagine him lubing himself, stroking quick and furrowing his eyebrows in concentration, a small moan escapes my lips at that thought and I know he’s smirking when he lines up and mumbles in my ear “Such an eager slut I have…” making my dick twitch, I whimper and spread my legs more “please…” I barely whisper showing how eager I really am, which proves to be a mistake. He peels away from me taking his warmth with him and moves off the bed.  
  
“N-No…” I whine “master, please I’m c-cold… p-please…”  
  
I feel a sharp slap across my face and gasp quivering more. I let my face stay sideways against the pillow but Gerard grabs my jaw and I can feel his warm breath as he speaks close to my face “I gave you what you wanted, remember?” he slurs and I nod submissively murmuring an apology. He moves away again and I hear more noises as he paces around and then he turns on the stereo I can still hear him and move my head to be facing the direction of his steps. He turns the volume up until I can’t hear anything above the sound of the music I’m so nervous and cold I start to shake more and more unable to control myself. I lose track of time but there must have passed several minutes because the song is almost over, as a new one starts I feel something smooth and firm pressed against my lips I automatically part them letting in the toy Gerard has chosen even though I don’t know what it is. He thrusts it in and out, fucking my mouth as I try to suck and a line of spit makes its way down my chin. As his speed increases and I begin to gag slightly I feel my muscles getting sore from the intense shaking and pull the cuffs wanting to brace myself. He retrieves the toy shortly after and lines it up in my entrance brushing it teasingly, at this point I’m so aroused and in need of contact, any contact, that the sharp wave of pain the intrusion provokes is more than welcome along with the pleasure of being stretched and getting friction. But he just shoves it in and leaves it there, motionless before turning off the stereo.  
  
“M-Ma... m-master?” I dare to whisper.  
  
“Lift your legs” he instructs and I do so with clumsy movements. “More…” he requests and I find it impossible to move any further with the way my muscles are tensing. “c-can’t…” I say shamefully. He then grabs my ankles and pushes them closer to my ass so my thighs are raised in an almost right angle. I wince but then gasp as he turns the vibrator of the forgotten toy on and it sends sparkles up my spine making me tense up and pull the ice-cold metallic handcuffs harder.  
  
“There... you look so hot…" he mumbles amused, obviously noticing the irony of his words "So vulnerable and exposed my pretty bitch, aren’t you?”  
  
“Yes master… I-I’m y-yours” I breathe letting out a shaky moan.  
  
I’m starting to feel a dull headache and slightly dizzy I unintentionally buck my hips because all the sensations I’m having are just too much and I’m not sure I’ll be able to cope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm playing a little with the timings here and seeing how it works, I hope it's not confusing. Also, this chapter is incomplete but I will continue the story where I left this in the following chapter, I just didn't want to make it too long and it will take me another day or two to post the second part so I leave you with this today.


	3. I’ll Make It All Worthwhile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I believe you have to take the good with the not-so-good.

Gerard decides he needs a shower before proceeding and leaves me on the bed, blindfolded and restrained with the toy working inside of me, if you add it to the trembling I’m reduced to a whimpering. I hear the shower running and make an inhuman effort to calm my shaking by taking long deep breaths that I hold in for a couple seconds and exhale slowly. I focus on that because the feeling inside of me is too intense and if I don’t distract my attention I might come in any second, I’m so close but I don’t think Gerard would be happy if that happens. I concentrate so hard in calming my tremors that I don’t notice when the shower stops running or when Gerard –my master at the time being- makes his way to me so I jump and gasp loudly when he whispers into my ear “missed your master, bitch?”  
  
Despite the surprise I’m quickly to respond “Yes master, so much.” He kisses my ear making me shiver in a different way than the cold is; I can feel him lie down beside me running a hand down my chest. His hand is wet and leaves a cold trail but the contact is welcome and I melt into it regardless of the discomfort I’m in. He quickly makes his way down to my thighs lingering and squeezing them each as I reply to his actions humming and moaning softly. He then moves his hand to my ass retrieving the toy after turning it off. This action both calms me and deflates me slightly but when he shifts to be between my legs excitement fills me completely, I just wish I could see him but requesting it is out of question. I also want him to kiss me but I know how to lure him into that, I slowly poke my tongue out to lick my lips slightly and bite my lower lip softly, grazing my teeth over it before releasing it gently and letting my lips a little parted. I hear his breath hitch and I know he’s watching me, he leans closer breathing hotly over my mouth but I don’t move an inch, anticipation building up as our lips touch ever so slightly and he pulls back. “Fuck!” I think to myself what had I done wrong why didn’t it... oh.  
  
I find my answer as he lines up on my entrance, not bothering in lubing this time, and thrusts in hard, in one steady movement he fills me up completely making me groan and cry out in a delicious mixture of pain and pleasure. My back arches immediately; I desperately seek his warmth pressing my body against his. I throw my head back, wrapping my legs around his waist as the thrusts come one after the other not missing one beat, he mercilessly pounds into me and I’m on the edge, I might come in any second now, I’m closer than I’ve ever been but I can’t I haven’t been given permission and I really want it to last the feel of him so close to me, so warm.  
  
I can’t help the tears running from my eyes, my sobs mixing with my moaning and whining. It’s not the harshness of his movements and actions, the painful stiffness of my own ignored member nor the small ache that’s starting to burn as he moves inside of me. No, it’s none of that, it’s the overwhelming mixture of emotions that I am finally releasing, I can barely think anymore but I’m happy, blissfully happy unaware of the amount of noises I’m actually making when I feel Gerard’s hands snake around my neck and grip tightly enough to make me gasp for air. I panic for a moment pull my forgotten limbs hard tugging on the cuffs desperately as I feel the strength being drained from me. I stop resisting and he lets go of my throat moving his hands to the back of my head, never ceasing the movement of his hips.  
  
I’m so dozed out I don’t even register the action until he pulls the blindfold away from my eyes and I can see him panting and watching me intently. I appreciate the view but I’m feeling dizzy and the light is hurting my oversensitive eyes so I let my eyelids close. “No, no, no! Look at me.” He practically pleads instead of ordering; however I can’t help but obey. He looks back at me with a faint smile. “You’re so f-fucking pretty, so beautiful…” he keeps mumbling but I can’t make out the words that come off as moans and groans. I emit many soft noises myself but the dizziness and the continuous shaking have taken the best of me and I look up at him one last time before feeling his lips hungrily attacking me, tongue darting out, I grant him access. I love him so much, I taste him lazily that’s the last I know of him before his voice echoes in the back of my mind. I’m seated, cuddled into his chest and he’s scooting away but I don’t want him to so I hold on to him.  
  
“Baby?” he asks with a too-gentle voice.  
  
“Stay…” I request huskily. He kisses my head and I nuzzle my face into his chest again. He massages my neck with his fingertips and I hum looking up at him, he smiles at me kissing my forehead. “Gee…?” I start.  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“What... what happened?” I ask shyly, noticing for the first time that we’re on the couch curled up in several sheets.  
  
He sighs softly and caresses my face. “You don’t remember?”  
  
“W-well… the last thing I remember is you taking the blindfold and kissing me…”  
  
“Really? Lots more happened before I was done…”  
  
That brings another question to my mind. “Oh, and what about me?” I wonder a little embarrassed.  
  
He gives me a confused look. “What about you, what?”  
  
“Uh, well, um… d-did I finish?” I ask blushing slightly.  
  
“Oh, that. Yeah, don’t you remember that either? You seemed to enjoy it a lot.” He smirks. I blush more chewing my lip, and closing my eyes I try to remember but fail miserably.  
  
“No I don’t remember…” I sigh shaking my head.  
  
“It seemed you were feeling it all, you seemed distant though, and you’ve never been so… Yeah, maybe not but…” he trails off.  
  
“What are you talking about, Gerard?”  
  
He looks at me and shakes his head as if chasing the thought away. “It’s nothing babe, are you alright now?”  
  
“Yeah…” I sit up and regret it instantly “Oh no. B-bathroom!” I mumble and start making my way getting there with Gerard’s help. I empty the contents of my stomach on the toilet whimpering slightly, I hate throwing up. Gerard flushes the bathroom and caresses my hair gently, he helps me up carefully but I’m soon crouched down again vomiting a second time, then a third and I tremble sobbing and cursing.  
  
“S-sorry, this is s-so disgusting…” I whisper looking down.  
  
“Oh baby, it’s not your fault,” he embraces me “you have nothing to be sorry about.”  
  
I want him to hold me longer but I know if this goes on it’ll make it worse, I need to get rid of this taste in my mouth. I pull away from him softly and slowly; he gives me a concerned, loving look.  
  
“I-I just w-wanna brush my teeth before… it g-gets worse” I mumble. He nods and runs a hand through my hair.  
“I’ll make you a tea baby, would that be good?” he offers.  
  
“Yes, thank you.”  
  
Once I’m done brushing my teeth, several times, I head to the kitchen where Gerard is heating water.  
  
“Go sit Frankie, I’ll be right with you.” He orders without even looking at me using a serious tone I cannot ignore. I sit on the couch wrapping the covers around me and wait, feeling like a scolded child who’s receiving punishment, but this isn’t the kind of punishment I’m used to nor the kind I’m fond of.  
  
He finally comes back after what seems a lifetime holding two cups, one he hands to me placing the other on the coffee table as he sits close to me. I stay sit up and look over at him.  
  
“What is it? Are you still feeling sick? I can buy you some anti-vomitives if you’re still ill…”  
  
I shake my head wondering if I should ask him.  
  
“You’re not mad?”  
  
“What are you talking ab…?” I start, shocked that he asked the same thing I was meaning to say.  
  
“It’s my fault that you’re ill.” He cuts me off.  
  
“N-NO! How can that be your…”  
  
“The temperature change, your body must have responded badly to that.” He explains.  
  
“I’m not mad at all Gee,” I state finally resting my head on his chest “thought you’d be pissed though… I don’t know why I just… thought I’d done something stupid I can’t remember…”  
  
“You didn’t… you were amazing, like always.”  
  
I blush looking down at the tea and take a small sip.  
  
“Is it good?” he asks me and I nod.  
  
After having the tea I fall asleep into his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's title is from one of my favorite songs ever that reminds me of Gerard and Frank's relationship in this fic. It's called "strangelove" by depeche mode.  
> PS. I know this hasn't had so much plot yet but I promise next chapter will show much more, and maybe leave you some questions...


	4. For What You Did to Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frank doesn't like pushing too much but he's not going to let go so easily either.

I don’t get wasted anymore, not since Gerard and I are back together, I don’t know what I’m doing here, what I’m looking for, until I see him, then it makes sense… I came to find Gerard and stop him from doing anything stupid. I make my way to the bar but he strolls off before I can reach him, there’s too much people and it’s hard to walk through them. I can’t hear my own voice even though I’m screaming at the top of my lungs for him to wait up while following him as fast as I can.  
  
Finally, I get out of the bar, but when I reach the street Gerard’s gone, I run and run until I hear his voice, he’s on an alley and I can hear in his tone that he’s upset, I see a tall dark figure lurk up behind Gerard grabbing his arms, Gerard visibly tenses up but doesn’t fight it looks like the tall guy whispering to his ear. A knot forms in my stomach along with a lump in my throat, mixed feelings are building up inside of me and I don’t know whether to cry or rush over and snatch my boyfriend from that guy’s filthy hands. I follow my crazy instinct and start walking towards them, slowly at first but I can’t feel I’m getting any closer so I walk faster and faster until I’m running. Gerard looks at me with tear-stained eyes and gasps, he casts his eyes down as if he’s ashamed I try to get to him but someone pushes me away and I suddenly see black.  
  
I fight against it but the darkness absorbs me and before I know what happened I wake up gasping and panting with a quickened heartbeat, I look around and I find that I’m alone in my bed, it was a dream, half a memory also but that’s unimportant at the moment. I call out for Gerard but he’s apparently not home. I curl in a ball and sob quietly because there’s no one to comfort me and I don’t know where my boyfriend is, he’s the only one who’ll make me feel better but at the time being, he’s only making me feel worse with his absence.  
  
I must have fallen asleep because I’m dreaming; I can’t see anything but I hear him whispering dirty words in my ear and sense his smirk when I try to touch him being held back by restraints he’d surely put on me.  
  
“You want to move Frankie? Well you can’t, I won’t let you.” He mocks me and I whimper, I want to see his face and I ask him to let me but he then moves away from me and I hear the door open and shut again, I gasp and I keep reaching out with my legs and tugging my arms.  
“Fuck, Gee! No, please don’t do this please!” I beg and try to yell but it comes out as a pathetic whine. I’m dreaming, I tell myself but the sorrow and loneliness paining my chest don’t cease so I keep yelling and trembling in the darkness until I feel a pair of gentle arms surround me and nuzzle the warm presence in my unconscious state.  
  
“Hush, baby it’s okay…” a voice tries to soothe me.  
  
“Please…” I plead, and whatever force it is that helps me peel my eyes open, I thank to, because I see his soft hazel eyes staring into mine. “I-I wanna throw up…” I warn in a whisper. Gerard sighs and nods wrapping an arm around my waist and helps me walk into the bathroom, but when I get there it’s useless, I can’t bring myself to empty my stomach, maybe it’s already too empty. I even shove my finger down my throat but nothing… if there’s something worse than throwing up it’s not being able to, the sick feeling remains and I can’t release it. I sob again and Gerard rubs my back kneeling down beside me.  
  
“It’s okay Frank,” he says softly and pulls me into his chest. “You need to rest, I think you should drink those pills that…”  
  
“Where were you!?” I ask in between sobs. He freezes in place but looks at me in confusion.  
  
“What, what do you mean?” he blurts out.  
  
“Don’t fucking pretend Gerard! I woke up earlier and you were gone!” I almost scream and look down. “Tell me…” I whisper.  
  
“Frankie… I didn’t go anywhere you must have been dreaming…” he tries to improvise and I feel my stomach flip.  
  
“No more lies, y-you promised Gerard.” He sighs backing away and I clutch his shirt. “No…”  
  
“I-I’m sorry Frank, I just don’t wanna talk about it, I won’t.” He says, already knowing I’m not going to push any further, I stand up slowly and make my way to the bedroom. I curl in the blankets and wait for a few minutes before I hear the front door crack open. I sigh heavily and walk lazily to the living room, then turn on the light to find Gerard stepping out. I raise an eyebrow and he looks at me.  
  
“Did I make too much noise? I didn’t mean to bother you” he says softly.  
  
“You don’t have to go… where are you going now?” He shrugs. “Come sleep with me, Gee… I really don’t like sleeping alone.” He smiles, his one sided shy and beautiful smile. We get back to the room and lay together limbs tangled into each other’s and I focus on his breathing, some people might think it’s uncomfortable to sleep this way but I actually couldn’t sleep otherwise. I need his skin under my fingers, his warmth close to me, it’s weird when we have to be apart, I just hold to a pillow pretending it’s him but it’s not enough, nothing is ever enough unless it’s him. Gerard is still awake; I can tell by the way his chest is moving. “Gee?” I whisper sleepily.  
  
“What is it?” he replies hesitantly.  
  
“It’s basically the 22nd already which means two months from when we reconciled…” I run my hand down his chest suggestively and he shifts uncomfortably making my heart sink.  
  
“Tomorrow…” he mumbles.  
  
“But Gee… it is tomorrow…” I need this, I need him.  
  
“Frankie, not now…” he pushes my hand away.  
  
“Why not?” I know as much as him that he’s being suspicious “You’re not too tired, I’ll do all the work Gee, please…” I hate forcing him but he needs to prove that it was nothing, that he isn’t leaving me again. So I move on top of him and kiss his neck, he whimpers trying to push me off but I grasp his wrists pinning them by his sides. I trail soft kisses up his jaw and whisper by his ear “I love you hun, just please…” I grind my hips against his and he emits a strangled noise shaking his head.  
  
“N-No…” he whispers.  
  
“Your friend down here is saying something else…” I smirk grinding my crotch into his now growing erection “…more, I think it is”  
  
He tries to fight me weakly as I undress him, his lack of energy makes me hesitate more than anything but I shrug it off as a hint that he maybe just needs me to insist a little. When we’re both naked I spread his thighs and sit between them lubing my fingers, when I press a finger inside Gerard tenses up and looks at me in panic.  
  
“Easy baby… I’ll top today” I offer him a reassuring smile but his breath quickens and he looks as if he’s about to hyperventilate, I know for sure I’ve never been harsh or hurt him so what is he so nervous about?  
  
I sigh and kiss his lips softly, luckily he relaxes and I’m able to prep him appropriately, since his face is buried on the pillow I focus on sucking and kissing his neck. Gerard mumbles words I can’t make out as I pull my fingers out and push into him slowly. It’s been a while since the last time I topped and I groan at the how tight and good he feels. When I’m completely buried inside his ass I give us both a moment to adjust before I start a gentle thrusting rhythm, every once in a while he moans quietly, evidently trying to hold back. I sit up slightly in order to deepen the thrusts and have a better look at him, his eyes are tightly closed, lips parted and his hands fisted to the sheets. When I grip his hips to go harder he gasps and opens his eye looking up at me, almost pleadingly. It looks like he’s close, hard and leaking so I pump his dick in the same pace as my thrusts, he gasps sharply, like he wasn’t expecting it, Gerard’s hand slowly snakes around my wrist and I grab it, pinning both his wrists above his head with one hand and resume the movements of my hips and my hand around his length. He writhes below me and groans loudly throwing his head back, leaving his throat exposed, gosh, he’s so hot like that. Gerard’s hips buck up involuntarily thrusting into my hand and cums with a yelp, his muscles clench around me and it’s just about all I can take before cumming hard and messily into him.  
  
We both pant and after a few moments of collecting myself I pull out carefully, but Gerard still gasps and starts making strangled noises that grow louder when I rub his chest.  
  
“Gerard, what…” Before I can complete the sentence he throws his arms around my waist, burying his face on my neck. He sobs into my skin and I’m worried now. “Baby, why are you crying?” I ask softly.  
  
He shakes his head. I’m not sure if he doesn’t know or if he just doesn’t wanna talk about it so I press on a little more.  
  
“Gee, does something hurt? Are you not feeling well?” He sobs louder without responding in other way than tightening his grip on me. “Y-you’re scaring me Gerard, please…”  
  
“J-just hold me? Please, I-I’m sorry, I’ll t-tell you tomor-row…” he mutters.  
  
I sigh and nod. “Okay, love…” I kiss his hair and whisper apologies, soothing words and promises. He finally falls asleep and I stare at his beautiful relaxed features. I trace my fingers over his perfect cheekbones and push some strands of hair from his eyes. I can’t help but feel a twinge of fear at the thought of having hurt him in some way, but I decide to push the thought aside and focus on the highlights of the night, the feel of him, his sounds and taste Gerard is perfection, and I can’t let him go from me again, I’ll hold on to him now he has come back. I’m never letting go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It starts to take some shape, and to have plot as I promised, in my mind it's really complex since I have Gerard's POV present at all times. I hope it comes out easily and that the feelings involved are understandable. Please if you read this, let me know what you think through your comments I thank you so much for reading!


	5. Be the First to Say I'm Sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Domestic Violence and Fluff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I added some tags and there might be more to add to this work, this is like my first fic ever and I've been just so busy and into other things I've completely neglected it. To be honest I had most of this chapter written a long time ago but didn't know how I wanted it to finish. Finally this is what happened, it seemed right. The summary says it all.

I wake up to Gerard missing and I start to panic, I feel like I’m going to be sick. I grip the sheets tightly and calm myself down taking deep breaths. Sighing heavily, I force myself to get off the bed and walk out of the bedroom into the bathroom. After brushing my teeth I make my way to the living room where I spot Gerard sitting on the couch staring into space with his legs crossed. He doesn’t seem to notice my presence, he doesn’t shift when I approach slowly to his side but when I’m almost close enough to touch him he speaks, startling me slightly.

“Frank,” he says “we need to talk.”

I nod even though he isn’t watching me directly but I’m sure he registers my affirmative response. I sit close beside him but making sure we’re not touching, subconsciously I’ve entered my submissive role and I make sure to keep my gaze down staying quiet, waiting for him to talk.

“Yesterday, when I woke you up from that bad dream, I wasn’t feeling well and I asked you to stop, I told you I didn’t want to but you went on,” I gulp sensing the resentment in his voice “do you know what that’s called Frank?” He spits out.

Something inside of me lurches and I feel light-headed, he can’t be implying what I’m thinking, right?

“Answer me.” He demands. I shake my head helplessly, tears stinging my eyes.

“Last night you practically raped me.” He states gravely, looking at me. I still keep my eyes locked on the ground shaking my head faster.

“No…” I whisper under my breath.

“Yes. Look at me Frank, you know what you did.” I peel my eyes off the ground and obey his order.

“Why are you saying that, Gee? Did I do something wrong or h-hurt y-you?” He sighs and his eyes soften a slightly bit and I rush to add “I didn’t mean to, I tried to be careful and I’m sorry if I…”

“Shut up, will you?” he says frowning, he sounds angry and I go quiet again. I really don’t want to annoy him anymore. “You didn’t hurt me, not physically anyway.” I gasp at his words, staring at him speechless. “I thought I could trust you, I _trusted_ you.”

“Gerard!” I whine.

He stares at me blankly and I whimper softly lowering my gaze. “Why did you do it?”

“I… I’m sorry… Please forgive me, Gerard I was stupid I don’t know what got to me…”

“That’s not a valid excuse! What were you thinking!?” He sounds angrier by the second and I can’t help but whimper. He’s gonna leave me, he’ll leave again and I’ll die.

“Y-you’d l-left…” I stutter. “I-I was s-scared you’d leave ag-gain…”

“So now it’s my fault!?” He stands from the couch and makes me sob. “Stop fucking crying this is serious!” He yells and I recoil curling in a ball and holding my knees to my chest. I can’t stop the tears streaming down my face. I know what comes next, he’ll go out to ‘clear his mind’ and come back drunk, he’s gonna hit me and it’s my own fault.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Gerard” I whisper between sobs.

What he does next I wasn’t expecting. Gerard grips my hair and pulls me up harshly, making me yelp and whimper, it hurts and I want him to stop but the look in his eyes piercing through me, tells me I rather say nothing and take whatever he thrashes upon me. He throws me to the floor with a punch in the face and straddles my hips tangling his fingers in my hair and violently tugging. I grip his forearms and scream, crying out loudly.

“I’m sorry; please G-Gee stop it! Please!” I yell and gasp between sobs as he continuously bangs my head against the floor, I start to feel weak and go dizzy.

“Motherfucker! How fucking could you!?” he keeps spitting out venom-spewed words as my vision starts to blur. I hear him start crying and the violent movements stop; deep inside I know I should be worried that I might have a concussion but what worries me is that I won’t be awake to comfort my attacker. Ironic. I laugh at myself weakly but it comes as a pathetic whine before I black out.

When I start to wake up I feel pain again and a soft sound escapes my lips at the same time as I try to back away from the touches on my face that stop immediately.

“Frankie? Are you awake” I hum a response.

“Can you open your eyes for me? You hurt really bad don’t you?” This isn’t as bad as the stuff he did to me when he was drunk, but the fact remains that he _hadn’t_ been drunk while attempting to break the floor tiles with my skull. He was fucking sober when he attacked me.

The pain on my face gets intensified and I recognize Gerard’s kissing me all over stroking my head and cheeks, I whine and he stops. I wish I could move or open my eyes but it’s useless, I don’t have the energy I don’t want to try and instead I start to fall into unconsciousness again.

When I wake up again it’s dark outside but I feel my mouth dry and my bladder full. My head is ponding when I sit up and I know it must be midnight but even the quiet seems too loud to bear. I sigh quietly and get up slowly groaning as I reach the bathroom. When I’m done emptying my bladder my next urge is to creep into the kitchen to grab a glass of water, without turning the light on since my eyes are already adjusting to the lack of it. I hear soft footsteps that sound huge in the echo of the almost deserted apartment. “G-Gerard?” my voice is hoarse and sounds foreign in my own ears.

“Yeah,” he replies carefully and I sigh with relief. “are you okay? I didn’t mean to, I shouldn’t have hurt you so badly… are you hungry? It’s 2 a.m. but I can make you…”

“I’m fine thanks…” I cut him off and sip from the glass in my hand. “I’m still in a lot of pain though…” I say mostly to make him feel bad, he hurt me, he deserves to feel guilty.

“Should I bring you painkillers?” he asks and goes off to fetch them without even waiting for my answer. I smile to myself in the dark. He can’t leave me, he loves me.

After drinking the pills and getting into bed with Gerard, who put up a real fight about it before I managed to convince him, I snuggle against him and let my fingertips trace patterns on his bare chest he’s just wearing his pajama pants and boxers.

“You know… if you had pushed me off I would have stopped…” I say in a soft voice using the most casual tone I can muster.

He sighs and just shifts to be more comfortable but pulls me closer. “I told you though…” he starts.

“But you didn’t fight me… not really.” I almost whisper uncertainly. I feel small, weak like I can be crushed into pieces by a harsh squeeze of him or a severe word. But he doesn’t crush me, he nuzzles my hair and gives me a gentle squeeze, I can’t help but hum comfortably.

“I wasn’t feeling well Frankie, I felt vulnerable and I knew you wouldn’t hurt me but that doesn’t mean you get to do whatever you want to me. You need to listen.”

I nod nuzzling his chest and that is all we ever say about that incident. We just lay there tangled into each other and chat, the contact of his skin is comforting and the gentle brushes of his hands on me are welcome, neither of us wants to go any further at the moment and we just share soft kisses and innocent strokes until it begins to be bright outside. We always mess up our sleeping schedules on weekends.

“I’m hungry… we should go to Starbucks and…”

“No, Gee, let’s just order something I don’t wanna go out right now…” I’m not so hungry for anything other than Gerard, I want to be close and cuddly with him now, even after what he did I still feel in my heart that Gerard would protect me from the world.

“I can cook us something I guess.” He must be very hungry or maybe he just wants to be away from me, that thought hurts me in an unimaginable way. I sigh but let him go off the bed and to the kitchen.

That night I’m the one who wants go out, but he says he’s too tired but I can tell he’s just fucking pissed at the tantrum I put earlier when I wanted to shower with him and he profusely refused to be anywhere near me naked. I can’t blame him I guess, except I’m really upset, it’s not fair, I wanted to make up for what I’d done. Instead of letting me fix my bad he avoided me until I cornered him so much he snapped at me and slapped me with the back of his hand. He immediately seemed guilty and bothered by it.

“C’mon you don’t wanna stay here doing nothing, let’s go…”

“Fuck off!” He hisses and keeps going through the channels. “I don’t wanna be drunk, ok?”

Then it hits me, I was so foolish, I thought he’d been sober all the time after he came from wherever the fuck he was, I could bet it was a bar.

“You mean not again? Like when you came back the other night?!” I spit out without really meaning to.

“The fuck?!” he nearly yells. “I haven’t been drinking since we… reconciled. You better stop making assumptions…” he suddenly seems taken aback and I move to sit by his side meaning to apologize and comfort him. Despite it all he was the one who saved me and the only one I’ve ever truly loved.

I am surprised that he doesn’t stand up and leave, after all he’s been avoiding to be anywhere close to me the whole day, instead he sighs and gives me I look I do not understand, it’s so intense, I can see love, pain and guilt but also a slight flicker of something else however before I can figure out what it is Gerard looks away and wraps his arms around me. I willingly let him pull me closer and hug his waist sighing softly. “Sorry…” I whisper.

“Sorry.” He holds me tighter.


	6. To hide my face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Bob knows, I told him it wasn’t true but, he knows you beat me…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I decided to post this chapter, it was supposed to be longer but I haven't been posting anything on this fic so I closed it up and I'm gonna leave it here. Hope you enjoy! I love all of you who have read this, it's my baby and I really like writing so I hope it translates into good story...

We don’t go out after all and that’s perfectly fine with me, he doesn’t need to prove anything but I feel like I need to. I’m really scared of losing him, I really want to make things better, and I hope I can. We haven’t had fights in a couple of days and I can sense he wants to approach me, but it seems like some sort of sexual blockade is stopping him, even when I try to set the right mood, he ends up blowing me off and it’s starting to get annoying and frustrating.

Our friends are coming over, and also is Mikey, Gerard’s brother, I want everything to be perfect, I want Gerard to feel comfortable and if something goes wrong, I know I’ll blame myself for it. It’s been some days since the incident where he smacked me into the floor but, yet I can still see the bruises in my face but I’m a wonderful liar, everyone, even Gerard believes my lies, I honestly cannot lie to Gerard though, it feels wrong and so much like cheating. When the doorbell rings I have to run from the kitchen and stand on my tiptoes, to look through the peephole, it’s an hour early and Gerard has gone out to get some ice and some soft drinks, when I see it’s Bob, I groan and swing the door open harshly.

“What are you doing here?” I mumble.

“Well, I thought you’d invited us over…” He starts. “Yeah,” I interrupt “at 7:30. And its only 6:15, what the heck!? Have you got no life?” I still let him in anyway and slam the door closed in frustration.

“I know, but I wanted to talk with you privately, before all these people came you had to, y’know… act up for Gerard.”

“I do not act up for Gerard.” I roll my eyes, walking into the living room, offering him a seat. We sit on the couch side to side and I put my feet up in the table.

“You haven’t dolled up yet, either, have you?” Bob says, looking me over and I shift uncomfortably, looking away.

“I actually just have to change up this shirt, but whatever, I think Mikey’s gonna bring his girlfriend, she knows about us and he has been talking so much about her lately, I think this is the one for him.”

Bob fake-yawns and I glare at him. In that moment, Gerard gets in and calls out for me so I rush to help him, followed by Bob. “Hey, guess who came in early?” I say conversationally as I get the canned drinks out of the bags, and store them in the fridge, placing the ice in the freezer side. Gerard looks at Bob and flashes him a courtesy smile, which Bob returns but they don’t even say a word to each other, Gerard has never liked Bob it’s just this ‘bad vibes’ apparently Bob sends his way. I have nothing against instinct and vibes, but this shit is ridiculous, they have been acquaintances for years and they can’t exchange two words unless they are forced to.

I am not going to make any kind of attempt in making conversation for them, and neither is Gerard, I suddenly feel him slide his arms around my waist, murmuring in my ear as I’m cutting tomato slices for a salad. I just shudder in his arms and bite my lip, my whole body responding immediately to his touch. He’s been so distant these days that I can’t help but push back against his chest, forgetting about Bob completely, as if in cue, Bob leaves the kitchen silently and I catch a glimpse of him looking back at us as he makes his way to the living room.

“I’ve really missed you these days.” I mumble under my breath even though Bob is too far to listen.

“I know, baby, me too, I just needed time…” he says, pressing his lips to my neck, slowly trailing kisses up to my jaw.

“G-Gee, s-stop, I’m chopping vegetables here, I’ll end up slicing my fingers.”

“You know what I wanted to do before the guests came?”

“G-Gerard, a guest is in the other room a-already.”

“I know, but it was going to be a quickie, to get out all the bottled up desires we’ve kept in these days.”

I whine because, fucking hell, Bob had to ruin it. “I-I’ll be quiet enough so he won’t notice…”

“Liar, you’re never quiet… that’s why I always have to gag you.”

“N-No, I’ll be this t-time.” I promise, whimpering when I feel his hands ghost over my crotch, toying with the button of my jeans.

“After they’re gone.” He decides.

“Fine…” I sigh out sadly.

He leaves the kitchen, walking into the bedroom, he’s probably going to change up, I quickly fix up the salad and leave it in the fridge, going after him like a puppy, only that before I get there, Bob stops me, standing in my way.

“He’s been hitting you, right?” He asks sternly and I frown at him, stepping away.

“No, what the fuck, Bob, get out of my face.” I snarl, glaring at him. I can see him doubting as his eyes scan over my face. When I try to walk past him again, he pins me against the wall and I gasp. “What are you doing?!” I hiss.

For a moment he just breathes warmly way too close from me so I can smell the cigarette smoke in his breath. “Whatever, you wanna be a fucking punching bag, suit yourself.”

“No, Bob, stop overprotecting me, I know you care but tone it down, did you really get here early just to give me this crap?”

“No.” He says blankly as I rush past him, walking into the room, I shut the door and breathe hard, looking at Gerard, who’s fixing his jeans in place, tightening his belt.

“Frank? Frank, are you alright?”

My first instinct is to apologize. “I-I’m sorry, I’m sorry….” I breathe out pathetically. Gerard walks up to me, feeling my forehead.

“You don’t look okay.”

I laugh out humorlessly. “Well, you hit me, Gerard, and left me unconscious…”

“I- Frank, I thought we were over that.”

“Bob knows, I told him it wasn’t true but, he knows you beat me…” I sigh, rubbing my face. “I need to wash up and cover up the mess in my face.”

When I get in the bathroom, I look at my face and it’s really very obvious that I’ve been beat up, most of the makeup I had used to cover the bruises has washed off and I look like a hot mess.

Now it’s time to go out, though, and to hide my face with make-up and my sadness with a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Kudos and comments are always appreciated.**


	7. The Ugly Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerard has a secret, Frank finds out.

“Gerard? Where are you going?”

“Out, isn’t it obvious?”

“But, where?”

Gerard scoffed and ignored me, as he continued to pack some of his clothes and stuff into the small suitcase.

“Fine, when are you coming back?” Silence. Panic. “Gerard, you’re, you’re coming back, right?” More silence, more panic. “Gerard where are you going!?”

He leaves, he’s leaving me and I don’t know how to live without him, it isn’t fair. I love him, way too much for this, I’m so tired, so so tired… I know he must have been cheating on me, I’ve felt how we have drawn apart in the last month, something seems off when we’re together and it’s like he doesn’t want to talk to me.

I go into the bathroom, and fil the tub, my mind is racing and I don’t notice the moment I get undressed and slice up my wrists, not horizontally like an amateur but dragging the blade along my wrists in deep vertical lines. Blood is so warm, so thick and sticky, I can’t… I don’t want it over my skin, I shudder and quickly get into the tub, crying and thinking of Gerard, I grab the blade from the top of the toilet and start dragging it over my inner thighs underneath the water, a bright red slowly tinting it as I feel myself weaken and I pass out, but my mind doesn’t have a rest, I can see Gerard with someone, they’re kissing, holding hands, they’re talking about me, I know it. Saying I’m worthless, not good enough and a failure. It hurts so much to think about it, I gave him all I had, all I was, how could he do this to me, it hurts, my chest hurts and I can’t breathe right, I keep choking on my breath, but, I can’t be, I’m supposed to be dead now… I gasp and whine, I can hear my own voice but it’s so dark and I open my eyes with a scream.

“Jesus, Frank, what the fuck!?” Gerard asks with a grumpy tone, rubbing his eyes as I've woken him with my screams.

“Nothing.” My voice is shaky when I speak. Gerard seems to take notice on this and slides his hand onto mine, I hold it tightly and whimper as he wraps his other arm around me and hugs me close, letting me cry softly onto his shoulder.

“Shhh, it’s okay baby. It was just a dream, alright? Only a dream.”

I like it when he's this caring and gentle to me. It feels like the first time we met, when we ran into each other at a music shop and then had a coffee together. Since then his situation has always been hazy, his emotions, family, past, his whole life is covered up by a mysterious cloud of secrets and deceits. I don’t care though; I just want him, with the pleasure and the pain.

I feel my heart flutter when he starts kissing me, he strokes my face and tells me soothing words to make me sleep, he goes back to sleep before I do, though.  I stay awake, cuddled into his arms, thinking about the dream and its meaning. I know it was a flashback of the time he’d left without explanation.

***

“Gerard…” I suddenly speak out after a few hours of watching TV on a Saturday afternoon.

“Hm?” he doesn’t even look at me, too focused on the show I was barely paying attention to.

“Never mind.” I whisper and stand up.

“Frank, come on…” I look back at him and he’s frowning deeply, I’m starting to feel sick, why did I have to say a fucking word?

“Nothing.” I say and rush to the bedroom, but he follows me, turning off the TV, before I can lock myself in, his hands are stopping me from shutting it completely. “Gerard, go away.” I grumble, shoving at the door. “Ugh.” I grunt as I walk over to the bed and lay on my back, my arm over my eyes as I hear him walk around.

“Tell me, Frank.”

“No.”

“Tell me.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

The bed dips and I groan quietly when his weight falls on top of me, I feel his breathing against my neck, whispering “Tell me.”

“I j-just… I wanted to know; where did you go that time?”

“Oh, Frankie… Again with that? You don’t really trust me do you?”

“Not _this_ time, Gerard, the other time when you left a-and... and I didn’t see you for months…” I ask softly, looking at him.

“It’s over now, why bring it up?” He frowns slightly.

“That’s… that’s what woke me up last night, I dreamed about you leaving that time and about the things I’d done after you left…”

Gerard looked at me wide-eyed, we’d been back together for a few months and I hadn’t told him about it until now. “w-what, what did you do Frank?”

“I… ” My breath hitches and I stutter, how did we change roles here? “I-I attempted… G-Gee.” I look at him as the words escape my mouth. “I wanted to die s-so bad…” I feel my throat constricting and rolling onto my side I hide the tears that are threatening to come out. I can feel Gerard climbing onto the bed next to me and spooning me, gulping as I breathe shakily. He holds me close and runs his fingers over my forearm; I pull my arm away as he tries to touch the scars on my wrists that are graciously disguised with my tattoos.

“I’m so sorry, Frankie… I just, was in a very bad place and I didn’t want you to see me like that.”

“I--- I get it Gee, I just really… I-I’m not trying to make you feel bad or anything… I’m sorry I brought it up…” I sigh in defeat as I realize I won’t ever make him tell me what happened.

“All you need to know is I missed you more than anything, but I needed to fix myself… before I came back to you and I’m still working on it but, you help me babe.” He sits up and pulls me so I lay flat on the bed with him straddling my hips and brackets my face with his arms, leaning down as I watch his every movement, my chest fluttering as he whispers. “I love you….”

I make a small noise in response as our lips meet, and our hands find each other’s body, tearing off the pieces of clothing that are in the way.

It’s intimate, even if it’s just touching each other until we both cum, his hands are perfect, his mouth on mine and on my neck, my chest….

***

I don’t know how it changed so fast, in one moment we had been spooning and joking lightly about our unusual love cycle, and a moment after, the jokes turned to accusations and laughs to frowns and groans. Gerard stood up and started dressing up, completely irritated by the conversation I insisted to bring up. Then I just wanted to bring back the laughs.

“Gee, come on, don’t go, you’re always in my mind, even in my dreams.” I smile and reach out to hold his hand before he swats it away.

“Of course, fucking night terrors, right?” I flinch at that and recoil slightly.

“N-no I didn’t mean--”

“Shut up, okay? I’ll just go for a walk and a smoke; you better make up your mind on whether you fucking want me around anymore, when all you do is argue with me.”

I hate myself, I can’t do anything right, of course he would leave. I fucking planted the idea in his mind, I’m sure he was happier when he left me the first time, so why should I fucking care? I don’t think he does, he probably lies when he says he loves me, he’s been lying about everything, possibly even cheating on me… That thought terrifies me, but at the same time it only makes sense. I won’t stay here like this, doubting, I have to follow him. I have followed him before a few times, but one time he found out and was so mad at me that he made me swear I’d never do it again. I know I’m breaking that promise or whatever, but I have to, I have to know. He wanders about like he’s not heading anywhere in specific, I’m being very quiet and careful, watching him from a safe distance but still able to keep track of him.

The place he ends up going into is in a very bad part of town, a dangerous place, this isn’t right, he shouldn’t be here; what’s he trying to do, get himself killed? Probably… But I don’t have time to think about it, I have to rush towards the rusty building he enters, once in I struggle to walk between the crowded place, sweaty skin rubbing against my own as I follow Gerard, and finally see him approach this skinny man with long hair, stubble on his face and tattoos on his arms, they exchange a few words, until… I frown, and feel my chest tightening; I can barely breathe when I see their faces coming together, Gerard’s arms around his shoulders and the other guy, placing his hands on Gerard’s hips. Fuck. Fuck _no._ They’re kissing. Deeply. My vision gets blurry with tears. I HAVE to make it stop so I go over to interrupt their passionate moment. I pull them apart and punch Gerard right in the face the surprise and force of my action shoving him down to the floor.

“How, fucking dare you!?” I yell, my voice sounding odd to my own ears.

“F-Frank? Frankie! I just, it’s… I-It’s not, I can--…” Gerard stutters.

“Explain?!” Getting down to straddle him and grip his shirt I pin him down. “Fucking what? You cheating on me after beating me and making me feel like I was the one at fault?” I can feel Gerard tremble beneath me and after momentarily enjoy the change of roles until someone pulls me up by the collar of my shirt, making me choke and gag. “Fuck...”

I’m slammed against the wall and the guy who was kissing Gerard hisses close to my face. “What do you think you’re doing, bitch?” I only frown and spit at him, earning a fist connecting to my eye. I shriek and shove against him and before he can punch me again I see Gerard gripping his arm.

“Bert, please, no… l-let him go.”

“He won’t learn his lesson that way, babe.” Bert said and I felt my stomach turn in repulsion.

“Fuck you. Both of you!  I’ve got nothing to learn, other than you and I are over.” I turn to look at Gerard, kneeing at Bert on the leg, inefficiently trying to get out of the guy’s grip.

“Frankie…” He sighs and I look away from him, ignoring his intent stare. “Bert just let him go…”

“If just for you, baby boy.” Bert says and loosens his hand from my collar, I rip away as soon as I could and run out of the disgusting place, hearing Gerard call my name out, yet he doesn’t follow me, and I don’t look back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a while, but I haven't abandoned this or any of my fics, many of which I haven't even started posting. I hope you enjoy. Comments and kudos are appreciated and a great motivation to keep on writing. Thanks for reading!


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